By Nathan Schmidt
Fairfield University has become a case study in epidemiology after last weekend’s annual Clam Jam festival at Penfield Beach. Of the students who attended the night of music, dancing, drinking, public littering, and sand in their socks, more than half of them have since been afflicted with a severe case of genital crabs.
“Literally no one had any kind of sex,” said Julia Nehos ‘19, who attended the event and miraculously escaped infection. “I don’t even know how this happened. It’s like just being nearby each other partying caused some kind of biological explosion.”
Julia’s report was corroborated by many other confused students, who don’t seem to understand how the disease spread so quickly across so many of their number. However, this event was not new in the checkered history of Clam Jam, which has frequently seen varying degrees of misconduct and debauchery from attendees.
“Still not as bad as the drunk boating accident,” Julia added.
The outbreak has been worsened both by the fact that the Student Health Center is located in a remote backwater corner of campus, and by the fact that Catholic teaching forbids Jesuit university staff from acknowledging that STIs exist. Students have been advised to party responsibly in the future, and to enjoy the fuller stretch of events by getting their pregaming done after arriving.
Kevin Keelinger ‘20 said, “The worst part about it is the pincers. The crabs crawl right up your legs and just pinch you. Right on the butt. Do you know how hard it is to sit for final exam reviews when you have literal fucking crabs in your pants?”
Anyone who spots any of the errant crabs is advised to trap them under an empty glass or dish until DPS can arrive to return them to the ocean.