By Nathan Schmidt
Move aside, School of Business — Fairfield’s greatest attraction is officially its Stagmates.
This week, Fairfield proudly released its latest student alumni statistics, revealing that 500 percent of all married alumni first met at the university. Students who end up marrying one another, referred to by the powers that be as Stagmates, have gone from a tangential benefit to the defining attraction of Fairfield U. In fact, they are so defining that for every two students who marry, ten of them met on campus.
“Nothing matters more to us than making sure our Stagmates tie the knot with their perfect match,” said Assistant Dean Percibell Ossiney in the College of Arts and Sciences, whom Stagnation reporters interviewed during a disciplinary meeting gone off-topic. “That’s why we’re proud to guarantee that every married student will end up contributing fivefold to the Stagmate legacy. Your personal life is our institutional mission.”
Ossiney continued, “The important thing is that all incoming freshmen know that somewhere in the student body is their future Stagmate, and their future Stagmate, and theirs and theirs and theirs. Our goal is nothing less than for every new student to be swept away in a love-struck storm of Stagmating. It’s part of our Catholic Jesuit mission to make sure everyone gets married to the right people, and the right people are five stags.”
Sources indicate that Fairfield University’s next goal will be to encourage students to get through their marriages before orientation finishes.