By the Guy in the Blue Scarf
Campus PETA advocates gathered today in the Bellarmine Pond to protest the production and wearing of salmon shorts.
The animal rights chapter says that millions of salmon are killed every year to produce the popular wardrobe staple. They said that salmon should be left alone in water to live full and prosperous lives afforded to them by the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. Salmon dances were staged and they read accounts of abuses suffered by the salmon, on behalf of the innocent fish.
“Salmon are friends, not shorts,” they chanted as they splashed around in the ankle deep water while dressed up as actual salmon. Detractors noted that wearing salmon shorts was their unequivocal right and that they don’t actually kill salmon to obtain the color of their horrendously ugly shorts.
Protesters were forced to stop after it was discovered that they had stomped on the ducks that occupy the pond.
Stagnation 