FUSA Senate Denies the Existence of Friday

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf

Wednesday’s FUSA Senate meeting ended with a surprising result as they voted down a proposal to recognize the calendar day of Friday. In the unanimous vote, FUSA Senators said that “Since our decisions are the most important and our say is absolute we have the power to decide what is and what isn’t real.” They went on to say, “Friday is a stupid day because we decided it was.” Senators concluded by saying that anyone who has a problem with can “meet with us on the day after Thursday.”

Many were left shocked and confused. Questions arose about whether or not Friday’s existence will affect their everyday lives. Worries about a global economic shutdown, Purge-like conditions, and even a black hole have arisen in response to the uncertainty created by the Senate’s decision. One concerned student asked, “What will happen to my Friday nights?” he went on to add that his normal Friday routine was to “smoke bud, drink bud, and grasp the Stag’s balls and now I don’t know what I’ll do…” 

Not everyone is sad about the decision. DPS is thrilled, saying that they’ll have fewer hooligans to chase and more time to get absolutely wasted in the office. Many are also excited about the dropping of their Friday classes. 

Whatever the reactions may be, the FUSA Senate is poised to replace Friday with something of their own creation and something that they say will “benefit the community as a whole.”

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