By Pete Peterson
Is Bernie willing to die for Medicare For All? He’ll have to be if he wants to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. After the final Democratic Debate on Tuesday night, the Democratic National Convention has decided to reshape how it will choose their nominee for the presidential election in 2020. Gone are the days of waiting for talking heads reporting the number of votes the top three nominees get. Instead we will be able to experience nonstop excitement as the liberals hunt each other down. One question remains unanswered, though: will they use guns now?
The DNC made this move after candidates complained that they were not receiving enough time to talk on stage. This is because there were twelve candidates that qualified for the debate. Tom Perez, Chair of the DNC, realized he needed to move past this archaic system that, in his words, “simply does not work for this many people.” He told Stagnation that the inspiration came from “Some movie with the kid from Kicking and Screaming”.
With such an intriguing idea to keep current voters interested and also bring new voters in, Perez knows there has to be a strict set of guidelines. He said after days of configuring the layout, the DNC decided the format would be based on Breitbart polling. The leaders in the polls would receive benefits, including armor and weapons of their choice. Also, much like the rules for the debates, candidates must be polling above a certain percentage to be included in the event. That amount was set at .69 percent. When asked why he chose such an odd number, Perez giggled, but refused to go into more detail.
The new format now seems to tip the scale towards the younger candidates, but the geezers are not worried. Vice President Biden has already worked out a strategy to survive, but he “can’t quite remember what it was.” Elizabeth Warren is also feeling very confident. She told reporters at a press conference that her genes will keep her alive. “As a Native American, I was born to thrive in an environment like this. My people mastered living in nature and using every resource available.”
President Trump shared his thoughts about the battle royale on Twitter. His forty eight tweet rant included “these losers are WEAK!!!” and “Biden would lose to BIG dON in a hartbeat”. The event will be available for viewing on CNN and ESPN, along with streaming services such as Hulu and Sling.