Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz

By Michael Atkins

This week, a Chemistry major student suddenly lifted into the air and passed onto the next realm of existence. Michael Verde ’21 was, according to witnesses, “absolutely losing his mind.” He had apparently started tearing his shirt off fabric by fabric as he howled in Irish gibberish. When he received a notification on his phone, his eyes widened in serenity. Before the position where he once stood could be investigated, the library exploded with no deaths or injuries whatsoever. It has since been evacuated and is expected for reconstruction later this summer.

“He just seemed to be the man for the job,” said witness Yancy Doodle, a man who claimed he could speak to Verde in the ethereal plane.

“It just happened, and I somehow recovered from my blindness,” praised formerly blind Frederick Matilda. “All I knew that there was some smoldering chair residue when I opened my eyes.”

Verde’s parents, former believers of Xenu, have since founded the new religion of Verdism, a belief that students will achieve peace during their college years. His childhood bedroom has become the central church to the Verdians, while his room in Gonzaga now acts as the campus church.

“We always knew he was meant for something great,” commented Michael’s parents Mary and Gibraltar Verde, ”But we never knew he would be this great.”

Numerous Verdian churches have since begun appearing in the state of Connecticut, rivaling the power of the Jesuit beliefs of Fairfield University. There have even been rumors of Verdism possibly soon becoming the new model for Campus Ministry.

Those who believe that Verde will come down not as a god, but an aid to humanity predict he will come to declare his judgment. Whether this is towards the University or his final grades is to be determined.

Until then, Nici un Test azi, my brothers. And praise Michael!

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