Coked Up White Boys Exposé

By Alexis Shepard

Fairfield University is well known for its Dolan School of Business and all the students that get to receive a prestigious education about the tenants of a successful business. There are classes about accounting, marketing, business law and ethics, business administration, and many more. But the one skill that seems to be unwritten anywhere on a syllabus or student handbook is cocaine use. Using American Psycho as a guideline for moral behavior, a good business student must play hard and snort at least 10 grams every weekend just to fit in with the bros at their parties and in their Info Systems class.

Through the award winning investigative journalism here at the narcotics division at Stagnation, we have come up with some distinct patterns of behavior for the white boys on campus. There are always certain tells that stand out for the students at their parties in the townhouses. For example, a double tap of the upper lip means, “Do you want to do coke?” and not “Do you have a Kleenex?” And the behavior is only encouraged by online accounts like Barstool Sports, where reckless and drunken content is encouraged to the views of a few million followers.

However, things may finally be turning around on campus. The recent death of rapper Mac Miller due to an overdose has made some students reconsider their behavior. “I stopped doing coke when Mac Miller died,” said one junior, slightly shaking, a soft mist forming in his eyes. “He was so pure, and I can’t let myself get like that.” Pure and white as the driven snow, it seems to this writer.

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