By Nathan Schmidt
For freshman student Clarissa Gordon, it began in a flash of pain. Like so many other students at Fairfield University, she woke up on Sunday to realize not only that Daylight Savings Time had begun, but that the one-hour shift forward had caused her to miss an important morning class.
“Oh, shit,” she slurred, stumbling out of bed and landing flat face-down on the floor. “I’m fuckin’, I’m late for fuckin’ class, oh shit…”
After fumbling helplessly for her phone for a few seconds, Clarissa managed to confirm that the hour-long shift forward meant that her 75-minute morning class session was already completely over. She then broke into tears and collapsed on the floor, unable to do literally anything.
Clarissa recounted her experience to Stagnation reporters while sitting in her dorm room and numbly clutching at an empty mug of coffee. Since it was in her lap, she was very slowly but surely refilling the mug with her own tears.
All she had to say after the fact was, “Just, fuck. I hate DST.”
Sadly, Clarissa was not alone in her plight. Dozens of students discovered that they had not only somehow managed to miss class on Sunday, but that the class had been for a critically important midterm review. The general impossibility of the event was eclipsed only by the impossibility of all of the clocks on campus shifting one hour forwards. The general consensus among students was that it’s basically a stress nightmare made into reality.
Professor Lucille Camille in the anthropology department also reached out to Stagnation reporters. She did so over the phone, apparently while smugly enjoying her bright morning breakfast of a highly crispy slice of buttered toast.
“Oh, that’s nicely done,” she said, between obnoxiously loud crunching noises. “Alright. Listen. You kids listening? Everyone gets messed up by Daylight Savings Time. When I was your age, I missed classes all the time because of DST. I was missing classes all the way into April because of it. There’s only thing to be done in response. Grow up.”
Sources later confirmed that the shift to Daylight Savings Time had caused Sunday Mass services to go completely unattended for the entire day.