By Rosemary Harper
Alas, the day we have feared for so many months. Due to the statewide lockdown and subsequent school closure, the turkeys — those little shits that torment us on a daily basis — have taken over Fairfield University. And they did it with ease. Once the week after spring break began, they were puzzled. Where were all the humans? Was their dispersal period longer than they thought? After this continued for a few more weeks, Chief Gobbler decided it was time for the total turkey territory takedown.
Within seconds of the attack, the turkeys had surrounded the campus and taken over the President’s office, and declared that Fairfield University was now Turkey- a feathered creature city state. Any and all remaining humans were catapulted out of campus as hundreds of new feathery citizens flew in (via paraglider).
Their first official order of business will be turning the outdoor theater in front of Donnarumma into a pool. Follow Stagnation for updates.
Stagnation 