By Mike Wishart
This past week, the itching flames of controversy have engulfed the Fairfield campus. The issue has arisen from junior Roger Wagner, who claims that his case of chlamydia qualifies him for use of the handicap parking spots on campus.
“Listen, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time, you know?” Roger said of his condition while rolling through campus in a stolen wheelchair. “It’s really disheartening that people can’t be more understanding of my condition.”
The people that Roger is referring to include Munlow Williams, the head of campus public safety, which oversees qualification for handicap parking.
“The damn kid isn’t handicapped and he knows it,” Williams said while seated in his office and rubbing his temples. “Wagner is displaying some of the most ridiculous behavior I have ever seen. Last week he started bringing his dog in a life vest to class claiming that it’s his emotional support animal, before the dog proceeded to defecate in the classroom. If he keeps it up, then that itch he has downstairs is gonna be the least of his problems.”
Roger Wagner’s fight for handicap privileges has captured the attention of the entire campus, and the general feeling of students is disgust, whether it be for Wagner’s condition or his behavior.
“I guess I’m just confused as to why he’d want to advertise that,” said sophomore Rebecca Zumaskin. “Also, I’m not entirely sure why he insists on using the wheelchair. And I mean, if they give a handicap spot to him, then all of a sudden half the school is gonna want one.”
Campus Jesuits were also contacted to comment but they simply replied that Roger Wagner must be lying because no sexual intercourse happens, nor has ever happened on this campus.
One possible solution to make sure that another Wagner situation doesn’t occur is for the university health services to provide protection to students, but this is unlikely to happen because it would make far too much sense.
Be sure to stay tuned for more updates in the ongoing battle between the University and Mr. Wagner, as it is sure to be a dispute with many flare-ups over the coming months. In the meantime, the case of whether Roger Wagner gets to park in the handicap parking spots for an STD remains TBD.