RIP, Juul: Now I Have to Go Back to Tide Pods

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf

BREAKING NEWS! Juul is banned. Absolute pandemonium has set in all over campus. Students are seemingly breaking at the seams as the ban on Juul has triggered powerful withdrawal symptoms. They can be seen frantically scratching themselves to bone and many have reported debilitating chills. 

Responses to the ban have been mixed. Some students have resorted to rationing out the last of their pods and making every last rip count. Others have resorted to protest, however, they haven’t lasted more than five minutes as they needed to continually stop to take a hit. 

Some have found replacements to the e-cigarette altogether. We spoke to one student about how he is coping with the ban. “Since I can’t get no Juul any more, I’ve gone back to Tide Pods. I did it back when I was a freshman in high school. They were colorful and looked like candy; they helped me through a lot of stuff”. He then took us to his dorm room, or what he calls “the Pod”. 

Upon entry, we found that the room was dark and damp. Mold was visible and seemed to stare us down as if we were intruding. There was a single light source emitted from a desk lamp. On the illuminated desk all that was present were the wrappings of consumed tide pods. The student told us that “[He takes] a small, sharp knife and and points it at the pod.” He then went on to tell us that he takes extra care as to not waste any of what he calls “the goodness”. He told us that he goes through at least a large pack a day and that it makes him feel alive. 

All of this comes amid a new advertising campaign from Tide itself. The company, known for its laundry detergent, has just released a new line of flavored Tide Pods. The new line up includes flavors such as menthol, mango, mint, pork, sweat, and regret. Tide says that it’s aimed explicitly towards people 18 and under and that it seeks to replace Juul’s place in the world as the number one manufacturer of lung related illnesses among adolescents. 

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