By Willoughby Humphrey
The Bannow Science Center is a proud beacon of scientific thought on campus here at Fairfield University. But while admiring the scientific portraits of fish and birds, I noticed on the wall of the second floor a piece of art so heinous and wrong-footed, that naturally I had to write an article on all the problems with it.
First of all, they left a big green dot in the middle of the painting that ruins the whole flow, making it seem like a focal point for the “wiggles” to move to. Don’t worry, I’ll get to that little detail later. The background is covered with black and white diagrams of genitalia from textbooks in I believe what is called a coll-age of images. Frankly I think they look like one of my PTSD flashbacks from the war, when everything really was in black and white.
But I digress, the real problem that was so egregious that I had to write to my loyal readers here, was when I realized the wiggles on the painting were actually supposed to represent sperm! I was so shocked that my monocle fell off my face, and my cup of coffee spilled onto my knickerbockers. As someone who works at this fine Jesuit institution, I am appalled to see such a vile display in view of all of our chaste students. Men and women for others after marriage. And in the science building, men of good character and strong constitution ought to know already that sperm does not exist before marriage.
I have filed a complaint to the Guiding Teacher of Bannow to explain his actions for this abomination of learning at the school. I am sure I will get an email back immediately apologizing for the oversight, and a grand promotion to art purveyor for my keen eye. I can feel it.