Student Half Crushed by Vending Machine, Now Suffers from FADS (Flat Ass Depression Syndrome) 

By Rosemary Harper

Two weeks ago, while trying to purchase a packet of Cheez-Its from the BCC vending machine, Mark Stuarting ‘21 met found himself in a tragic accident that resulted in the bottom half of his body being flattened.  

While attempting to purchase his cheesy snack, much to his frustration, the packet became stuck between the glass and the coil pusher. In an attempt to free what was “rightfully” his, he grabbed the top two corners  of the machine and vigorously shook it back and forth as much as physically possible. After 3.2 seconds of shaking the poor machine, it decided to take revenge and shifted all of its weight onto the corner closest to Mark. This resulted in the machine falling and rolling onto Mark’s legs and flattening them forever. Mark was immediately taken to hospital after others in the building came running at the sound of Mark’s shrieks. 

DPS was quickly called and Mark was swiftly brought to the student health center. But it was too late. While he was carried off, the quiet, manly sobs of Mark Stuarting were heard by all those in and around the BCC. At the last moment before the car door of the DPS van, an embarrassing amount of people heard him wail out “MY BUBBLE BUTT IS GONE” in despair. In response to the incident, the University sent out this email:

“A student who recently shook the vending machine now suffers from Flat Ass Depression Syndrome (FADS), because ‘his bubble butt is flat forever.’ We expect you to be stupid but not that stupid. Please lessen the level of your stupidity as soon as possible.”

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