Swim Team Disqualified After Floaties Found in Locker Rooms

By Nathan Schmidt

Waves were made this week in campus athletics when officials discovered a cache of performance-enhancing water wings in the RecPlex men’s locker room. The illicit boosters were quickly traced to every member of the Fairfield University men’s swimming and diving roster. A subsequent investigation revealed that the swimmers had been using the arm floats regularly for months, and so all of them have been disqualified from competing this spring.

“What’s really unfortunate is that unlike most performance-enhancing items, these can’t even be worn during games,” said RecPlex lifeguard Jennette Gellostein ‘20. “I mean, I saw the swimmers using those yellow donuts like everyone else, but I assumed it was some kind of team identity thing. I didn’t think they were actually not able to swim.”

“This really explains our swimmers almost drowning during the last invitational,” Jennette added.

It is unclear what will happen to Fairfield’s reputation for sports now that the entire roster of male swimmers has been struck for the semester. However, sources are optimistic that the university will be vindicated once the men’s basketball team starts facing off against other big players.

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