Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium 

During a lecture concerning the politics behind the Watergate scandal, Professor Bertrum Jarvis accidentally received a heavy blow to his head after slipping on a lecture flashcard. After receiving medical attention, Jarvis woke up giving a speech concerning how he was not a criminal, sporting an odd manner of speaking. As doctors tested the man’s mental state, they found that Jarvis believed that he was Former President Richard Nixon. Jarvis then escaped the room he was kept in and returned to teach his class. Unfortunately, Jarvis had a mental breakdown after not adjusting to modern technology, screaming at the informative televisions before kneeling to the Pope statue on the third floor in the Barone Campus Center. The authorities closed him down as he prayed to the unnerving figure.

Nixon was told he was to make a confession concerning the 25 year conspiracy centered on Jeffrey Epstein. Before anyone could set him down in the interrogation room, Nixon declared war on the FUSA Senate before deciding he was a man named Kal-El from the planet Krypton. He promptly flew out the ceiling and straight into space, unable to breathe while being so high in the atmosphere.

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