By Nathan Schmidt
The last FUSA Senate meeting, held just a week ago, may well go down as the last FUSA Senate meeting. What began as an ordinary evening of procedure and protocol ended in fire and zealotry, as the entire student government body was disbanded in favor of a one-man dictatorship.
Nicholas Kyle Copenhagen ‘22, a sophomore senator with no accomplishments to his name, seized power in a brazen and unprecedented ten-minute takeover. The unlawful coup began when the Senate opened up the floor for comment from the public gallery, and Nicholas chugged an entire can of Monster energy drink before throwing his chair at the Senate leaders. He then ripped off his dress tie, jumped up on the table and shouted, “No more bureaucracy! No more corruption! Only Nick!”
Terrified FUSA senators called on the DPS attendants for help, but Nicholas had already secured the support of the military arm of campus, and the senators were instead crammed into the back of one DPS van and hauled away. The entire list of events, committees, meetings and motions planned by the FUSA Senate has now been replaced with whatever Nicholas feels like doing today.
Sources have confirmed that the replacement of the FUSA Senate with a one-man autarchy is expected to change absolutely nothing in the course of daily life on campus.