By Mike Wishart
While the world remains on edge with the spread of the deadly coronavirus, the Fairfield University campus remains on lockdown due to a student saying that they have “Corona Virus.” The panic on campus all started this past Saturday night at a townhouse party around 10:45 p.m. Overhearing a conversation two other students were having regarding the devastating disease sweeping through China, junior Cameron Bucket proclaimed “Yeah, I got Corona Virus,” before chugging a bottle of Corona and smashing it on the ground.
The incident was heard by several witnesses, as well as recorded by another student who posted it on their Snapchat story. Word of this rather on-the-nose display spread through campus faster than the actual coronavirus and eventually reached the ears of campus officials. Being unable to understand a joke when they heard one, campus officials alerted local law enforcement and the Center for Disease Control.
Officials responded to the university’s calls for help swiftly, and Cameron Bucket found himself in quarantine in his townhouse just in time for his hangover. At the moment, the entirety of 9 Block is surrounded by a massive bubble, containing Bucket and the other residents. Word has it that the friends of those being quarantined with Bucket are disgruntled with the fact that they are trapped because of such an average and obvious joke.
We decided to head down to that massive quarantine bubble to interview Cameron Bucket about the whole situation. Wanting to be as cautious as possible, the Stagnation staff that ventured to ground zero for the Fairfield Coronavirus panic decided to wear the necessary safety gear for dealing with disease. But the team was reduced to bathing in Purell and donning goggles and snorkels due to budget cuts.
When Stagnation arrived at 9 Block, we found patient zero, Cameron Bucket, writing “Get me out, it was a joke” all over the clear surface of the quarantine bubble with a marker that was running out of ink. We attempted to interview the young man, but this proved to be difficult with the quarantine bubble significantly muffling sound, so we tried to accurately transcribe what he said to the best of our ability. When we asked what his life in quarantine was like, he either responded “My wife is unforgivable in fear” or “My life is unlivable in here,” we’re really not positive which of the two it could be.
So while Cameron Bucket sweats it out in a massive fish bowl until officials announce the coronavirus threat has passed, remember to play it safe by washing your hands and only drinking domestic beer.