By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag.
“Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands.
Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the art department, believing him to be some statement on war or such ideas. Within weeks, Robostag managed to crack down on the smokers on campus, terrible parking, and items prohibited from entering dorms. Yet, the only thing he hasn’t done is to enforce the mask policy and stop the increase of COVID cases.
“I don’t understand why they thought it was a good idea to get something like that,” said Albert Gorbern ‘23. “I took my mask off and it only focused on my vape pen.”
Needless to say, Robostag is a wonderful addition to campus life. Ever since Officer Robert Trevors stubbed his toe against the Stag statue, he’s been repurposed into the DPS-Machine that no one loves.
“This is honestly pretty stupid,” said Officer Taylor Hummerbird, “We should have just given Trevors a day off rather than making him a cyborg.”
Stagnation 