University Removes All Doors From Campus To Prevent Spread of Coronavirus

By Nathan Schmidt

In light of rising cases of COVID-19 among students, Fairfield University officials have promoted safety by removing all doors from all buildings on campus. Since the virus spreads more easily in confined indoor spaces, it is thought that the new ventilation from the removed doors will make students safer no matter where they are.

There is no exception to the buildings, or the doors within the buildings, that have been affected by this policy. From the supply closets in Canisius Hall to the dorm rooms in Gonzaga, every enclosed indoor space has had its doors removed from their frames overnight.

“If this doesn’t work, we’re prying out all the windows too,” said campus spokesperson Jillian Lautrey, speaking to Stagnation writers through the open doorway of an all-gender restroom in Donnarumma Hall. “But I’m pretty confident it will, because I haven’t seen anyone else indoors all day.”

Students have already expressed surprise and dismay at the lack of doors anywhere on campus. However, questions about holding out the elements, maintaining privacy, securing restricted areas, stopping the spread of the coronavirus, and regulating the flow of traffic have all been flatly rejected by the administration.

“They even took out the stall doors,” Jillian added, glancing over her shoulder into the grungy restroom. “They don’t miss a detail around here.”

As temperatures drop with the coming of fall, it is expected that the heating bill for Fairfield University will be about 10 times higher as a result of the missing doors. Campus officials have been quick to assure students that the deficit will be paid for with all the doors that they’re selling to the Gilbane construction company.

“It’s the right thing to do,” concluded Jillian, before walking out the open doorway and pushing through a throng of students on their way out of class.

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