By Michael Wishart
This past weekend, the New York Times released a groundbreaking report regarding President Donald Trump’s tax returns. What the report showed was shocking, with the “Home Alone 2: Lost In New York” star paying just $750 in federal income tax in 2016 and 2017. Not only that, but Trump has lost $315 million from his golf courses since 2000 and owes creditors $421 million.
When I read the news about Trump’s financial records, I had an epiphany: I am a financial genius.
In the same span of time, from 2000–2020, the amount of money I have lost isn’t even close to the figure in the hundred millions that Trump has lost. And even then, I’ve made more money than I’ve lost. I mean the number in my bank account is positive right?
So there I am, dumbstruck, thinking how I have proven myself to lose less money than the greatest businessman to have ever lived. Trump wouldn’t say “I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things” if he didn’t mean it. The man is a monetary marvel, everyone from the host of “The Apprentice” to the dean of Trump University agrees, and the numbers show that I am somehow even more gifted at business than he is.
Being the generous man that I am, I have decided to share with you, dear reader, my top tips and tricks to becoming a titan of industry. If you follow these steps, with a little luck, one day you too could sleep under the nicest Twin XL comforter that money can buy.
#1) If It’s Foreign, You Go Soarin’
Little scenario for you. You’re walking down the sidewalk and you see a Mercedes-Benz driving down the street towards you at a high rate of speed. What do you do? If you want to be as wealthy as I am, your first instinct needs to be veering into the path of that Mercedes as quickly as possible. Once you thud to the ground after soaring through the air, the thought of how much money you’re about to pocket will make the agony coming from the baby powder that used to be your femurs feel like a distant memory. Once you pressure the driver of the foreign vehicle to give you a check for medical expenses, you take yourself to the hardware store and buy a couple of 2x4s and some duct tape. Cheaper than the hospital. Your legs may never work again but hey, neither will you with all this money you’re about to save.
#2) Don’t Eat
Did you know that the average American spends $2,792 on food every year? This is a massive cost that is depleting your funds and standing in the way between you and material wealth, aka the only source of happiness. By simply not eating, you can automatically pocket an additional near three grand in cash. Did someone say hot tub?
If my elderly uncle on Facebook is to be believed, he paid for the entirety of his college education and bought the house that he still lives in to this day by working part-time for 3 weeks in 1958 handing out pamphlets that said, “The only thing Jesus hates more than Communism is Integration.” Armed with this knowledge, the conclusion can be drawn that by working year-round, there’s virtually nothing in the world that you can’t afford.
Conclusion: work = money. Sometimes it really is that simple.
#4) Sell Your Body (Not that way, pervert)
A standard human body contains 12 pints of blood. A pint of blood sells for $150. You do the math. No, really, I’m not actually sure how much money that is. Oh wait, I found my calculator. It’s $1,800. You’ve got nearly two grand pumping through your veins right now. Move over Velveeta, looks like there’s a new “liquid gold” in town. In that same vein (see what I did?) you should probably work to eliminate bloody noses and periods because that’s money down the drain.
#5) Invest, Invest, Invest!
If you have followed the prior tips that I have outlined for you, then by now you’ve saved up a pretty hefty chunk of change. Now the time has come to turn that money into more money. I know what you’re thinking. He’s probably gonna tell me to invest in stock, right? Wrong, we’re not making a soup here. But I am hungry, and it’s the sort of hunger that can only be satisfied with a two night stay at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Tampa. And you can only get there by investing your money in a sure-fire cash cow. So with the stockpile you’ve amassed, you’re gonna want to invest in as many couches as you can and start thinking about what you’re gonna do with all your money. Why couches you ask? Whenever you need money, just look in between the cushions of all your new couches, and you’re going to find a near unlimited supply of cash, 25 cents at a time. Talk about sitting on a hot investing tip.
With these tips, you’re well on your way to being the tycoon that I am, in debt to no man. For more financial news and wizardry, stay up to date with yours truly, Stagnation’s resident Rockefeller.