Apparently, numbers do lie. Fairfield University has reported that 101 students on campus have tested positive for COVID-19 as of September 28th. There have been rumors floating around campus that the University is actually underreporting the number of cases in order to save face and continue to take students money, but administrators have fervently denied these allegations.
Dean Goodell replied to these allegations in a strongly worded memo, saying: “We do not underreport cases. Actually, we’re doing so well that I think we’re overreporting!” Students and faculty have spoken out in direct contradiction of this statement. Amid all of the confusion, Stagnation reporters went into the field to find out the truth.
“Bro I literally gave like eight chicks ‘rona this weekend,” claims freshman virgin Richard Weiner. When asked how he accomplished this, he winked and said, “Let’s just say I had more than two people in my room at a time.”
While freshmen are dying to take responsibility for the spread of COVID-19, the epicenter seems to be located just near the water. Down at the beach, new hot spots have been appearing practically every weekend. Stagnation conducted a study, and found an overwhelming number of those hot spots came from beach houses rented by athletes. “Yeah, no shit. It’s solely the athletes spreading it to each other and anyone trying to bone them,” said one junior who asked to remain anonymous because he was not invited to a party at the beach.
Dr. Costanza, a Sociology professor at Fairfield University, agreed with the anonymous student’s statement. “Well it’s pretty obvious that the school is underreporting cases. The cases come from the athletes at the beach, and for some reason, the school thinks that if it treats the athletes like a top Division 1 program, then it will magically turn into one.”
Is Dean Goodell lying to save face? Will the athletes be able to lower their libido? Will that virgin freshman finally get laid? Find out on next week’s episode of “2020: What the Fuck is Going On?”