By Nathan Schmidt
Our first warning sign was when Professor Joely Kale tried to erase the whiteboard after her 8:00 AM session of English 11. The eraser succeeded only in slightly smudging her analysis of the human condition in popular culture.
All evidence shows that the nameless troublemaker known only as the Poacher has preyed upon the proverbial stags of Fairfield once again. This time, the unknown individual replaced every last dry erase marker on campus with permanent Sharpie markers. Morning class material, student meeting notes and political slogans in the DSB hallways have all been forever enshrined on the whiteboards of the university.
Efforts to catch the enigmatic vagabond have all been fruitless, and a task force is soon expected to be formed for the express purpose of catching this dastardly prankster once and for all. However, hopes are low across campus, because the situation has only gotten worse since the improbable rascal’s big move.
Since the Poacher’s second confirmed strike, anarchy has swept through Fairfield U. Some enterprising students have taken this opportunity to use the new permanent markers to draw on the walls instead, since in their words, “It’s staying up anyway.” Worse still, some copycats are drawing on the infamous rogue’s example. Already at press time, several students have been caught trying to replace whiteboard cleaner with cologne, or trying to replace the Dunkin’ menu items with food.
When asked for comment, Professor Kale replied, “On the bright side, the Sharpies actually have ink in them.”
All of the affected whiteboards are expected to be replaced by next week, but campus officials have confirmed that the Sharpies will simply be thrown out without new dry-erase markers being provided.
Stagnation 