Fairfield University President Declares November “Shitty Beard Month”

By Alexis Shepard

In the customary email blast to the Fairfield students, President Mark Nemec wished a Happy Thanksgiving and a happy break to one and all. But the extra almost postscript message that concluded the email was most unexpected to the journalists out there. He declared that November would unofficially be known as “Shitty Beard Month” due to the epidemic of undergraduate male students attempting to grow a beard for “No Shave November”. It is rare that anything considered a full beard is actually grown, rather than just peach fuzz or fluff grown on their chins.

I for one am glad that President Nemec is taking a stand against the problem of guys thinking they can just grow a beard, and leaving it there like it won’t even actually grow by the time the month is over. Just because November is only 30 days long doesn’t mean that everything will sprout like beanstalks off their face on the 31st.

With all the beard products and balms and lotions and logos with guys with moussed hair and sunglasses and beard oil and all that kind of shit, you would think more guys would have all the tools to grow great beards. But nope, they just have scraps of hair every which way that somehow make some of the richest students look homeless. I blame Post Malone, but that’s beside the point.

Hopefully this is a good message to all the guys out there that unless they have the ability, they do not need to try to grow a beard. It will cause a lot less pain for all of us out there, who know that if you don’t look like Hagrid then why even bother.

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