By Nathan Schmidt
This spring, Fairfield University has announced plans to “reclaim the campus” by replacing the Levee snack bar with a fake decoy for Fairfield Prep students. The small building, located across Loyola Drive from the RecPlex, is traditionally ignored by the student body of Fairfield because of its overwhelmingly teenage clientele. And for lack of any other effective recourse, the only remaining option is to put up a fake Levee building as bait.
“Every time I go in there, I instantly drown in a sea of badly-fitting dress shirts and ties,” complained senior student Kealy Ingridson ‘20. “The noise of prattling kids fills the ears. The smell of overpriced body spray fills the lungs. It’s so full of adolescence that it’s literally unlivable. Either we make a new Levee, or we declare this one a Superfund site.”
For years, campus administration has tried to make the Levee more attractive to the undergraduate student body. Efforts have ranged from serving beer late at night to holding actual karaoke sessions. But they have all been for naught, because not only do most students get their alcohol as frequently and loudly as possible in their dorm rooms, they also actively avoid anything with teenage fingerprints on it. And on that front, there is no question that the Levee is as close as possible to a literal crime scene.
The original Levee is expected to be moved to a newly reclaimed location nearby the old Dolan School of Business — in other words, as far away on campus as it can be taken from Fairfield Prep. In its place, the decoy “Levee” will be constructed out of papier-mache and recycled cardboard, with crash test dummies for staff members and plastic toy food in place of snacks. Campus officials are optimistic that none of the precocious youths of Fairfield Prep will notice the difference.
When approached by Stagnation reporters about his thoughts on the Levee, Fairfield Prep student Sean Malthus said, “What’s it like being a college student here? Do you have a lot of homework? Do you party a lot? What’s your favorite kind of booze?”
The new Levee replacement is expected to be constructed by spring of 2021, or even sooner if any art department students want to use the set-building process for a class project.
Stagnation 