By Pete Peterson
“You’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”
– Dirty Harry
– DPS officers
After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put in place. The Department of Public Safety, often referred to as “The Navy Seals of the Sound,” have been given permission to shoot anyone on sight if they are caught breaking the COVID-19 guidelines.
“We’re just doing our best to keep everyone safe around here,” said Sergeant Lieutenant Colonel Ryan, who was just recently promoted from “Private” status. He then addressed the concerns about using such excessive force on the people who pay his salary, saying, “We got the order directly from Mr. Trump himself. He’s long been a believer in wearing a mask, and we do not want to let him down.”
Students have been outraged by the new policy. One student, senior Layla Arundel, is especially infuriated with the draconian tactics being deployed. “No, I don’t support this. I got shot in the fucking leg for taking a sip of water!” she said, a little dramatically. Furthering the pain and confusion, Layla says she will not be able to press charges because the officer is protected under qualified immunity after claiming self-defense.
Fairfield University will keep these tactics in place until students learn their lesson, according to Dean Spoonbill. Addressing reporters in a heartfelt statement with his mask on, he said, “Look, we are doing this to protect the students. If they get sick, we have to send them home and we lose a lot of mon—, I mean the students won’t be able to further their academics. And academics are why we fight.”