By Marvin Irwin
It is a battle as old as time. One that the Society of Jesus has struggled to finish for almost 500 years. And that conundrum is how to make these kids keep it in their pants. But before the Jesuits could deal the final death blow to the plague that is premarital sex, a previously unknown challenger has emerged to get these kids to stop doing the dirty once and for all. COVID-19 has swept in and stolen the Jesuits’ thunder, grinding the thud of bed posts across campus to a squeaking halt.
Stagnation reporters caught up with one of the Jesuits on campus to discuss the pandemic’s impact on student behavior, who despite wearing a mask was very clearly smiling the entire time.
“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” remarked Father Richard, who for the sake of anonymity will be referred to in this article as Father Alejandro. “Sometimes when you refuse to follow God’s will he finds a way to make you follow it.”
Father Alejandro went down the list of things that COVID-19 has eliminated on campus, such as the Presidential Ball, townhouse parties, and days at the Point. He feels that the cancellation of such events is sure to cut down on what he referred to as “the true pandemic” of promiscuous behavior.
In this polarized world, it is rare that there is agreement between two groups of people on anything, and there’s perhaps no better example of this than disagreements between the church and scientists. But in a rare display of consensus between these two groups, Father Alejandro and the campus Jesuits have partnered with the Egan School of Nursing to promote their campaign, “Leave 6 Feet 4 Jesus” (the “4” in the title is sure to cause confusion on the proper distance). This campaign seeks to kill two birds with one stone, pushing the principles of chastity and social distancing into one succinct message.
While things are certainly looking up for the goals of the Jesuits on campus, the growth of COVID-19 cases on campus shows that they may have fallen for the classic man-of-God error, assuming that everyone is obeying the rules.
Our Stagnation reporters asked Father Alejandro if masks could essentially be considered condoms for your face, hoping to engage him in a conversation regarding the similarities between these two preventative tools. But unfortunately, Father Alejandro promptly concluded the interview.
To stay up to date on the threat of COVID-19 on campus and the debate over whether masks are just face-condoms, be sure to stay tuned to Stagnation.