By Pete Peterson
Fairfield, CT- After a contentious debate between students, athletes, the University, and God, Fairfield University has announced that it will in fact have a football season this year. With the MAAC canceling all sports due to the liberal Coronavirus hoax, the Stags will be heading ‘down under’ (the Mason-Dixon line) this season to join the SEC.
President Nemec held a press conference Wednesday morning where he announced the decision and discussed what he expects this season. “We here at the University are all extremely excited to be able to watch the boys toss the ol’ pigskin around with some of the best of the best down south” said the President of the University. When asked by a reporter from Teen Vogue “was the decision had actually been approved by the SEC?”, President Nemec responded “wAs thE DeciSiOn acTually APproVeD By tHe seC uh yeah of course” and then proceeded to make a mocking face at the reporter.
The SEC released a statement a few hours after the Fairfield University press conference to say that “The SEC has had no discussion with Fairfield University involving them joining our conference. In fact, we didn’t even know Fairfield University existed. We had to look it up when we heard the news. The weirdest part about this is that they don’t even have a football team.”
Students on campus had differing opinions regarding the decision. Alberto Anderson, a freshman from Ontario, was befuddled by the news. “Wait, what? We’ve never had a football team. Football is banned at Fairfield. Why would they announce that?” he inquired. This seemed to be a popular thought on campus, but not for everyone.
Lorenz Papardalli, a senior on the Men’s Club Rugby team, was displeased. “The rugby team is basically the football team here,” he said. “I don’t know why everyone wants a football team when we’re here balling out in the gym and on the field daily.”
“Why do kids on the rugby team think they’re a football team? Just because you take steroids and grunt a lot doesn’t make you a good athlete,” said every kid in the gym who doesn’t want to wait six hours to use a single piece of equipment.
Will the Stags be able to keep up with the likes of the Alabamas and LSUs on the gridiron? Only time will tell.
Stagnation 