DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

By Marvin Irwin

To continue to pretend to crack down on COVID-19 guideline violations on campus, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is expanding its ranks. One particular new recruit has captured the imagination of the campus community. 

Among the newest additions to the DPS forces is everyone’s favorite redhead from the UK. No it’s not Ed Sheeran. It’s not Ron Weasley either. It’s the former Duke of Sussex himself, Harry. (Apparently the Royals don’t really have last names and he’s no longer a royal so I’m not really sure what to call him. Let’s go with Harry Markle for simplicity.)

You read that right. Britain’s Golden Boy is now officially a member of Fairfield’s boys in blue. But how did this come to be? 

If you’re a regular Josh Nichols, then I am sure that you watched the absolutely bananas interview Harry and Meghan Markle did with Oprah. In this interview, among many other things, Harry explains why he and Meghan are rejecting the royal life. Harry says that he is leaving behind an institution that has recently come under fire for its legacy of racism and ambivalence towards human life. Harry hopes joining the police force is a step away from such a situation. 

It remains to be seen whether or not Harry will blend in well with his DPS colleagues. A source has informed Stagnation that the other officers are already working on a radio code name for him. Among the contenders are Simba, Fire Crotch, Tea Time, Royal Pain, Hogwarts, and Double-Blow-Seven. 

Prince Harry will certainly have some adjustments to make in his new role. But he will no doubt find his footing due to his experience in a uniform (I’m referring to his Nazi Halloween costume and not his military service. We didn’t forget Harry). With the eyes of the world, and Oprah, upon him, we will see if Harry is up to the task of serving and protecting the young adults of a one-third square mile campus. 

For updates on how many people intentionally set off their fire alarms in the hopes of seeing Prince Harry, stay tuned to Stagnation.

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