By Nathan Schmidt
My friends, we have made it. We have struck gold.
Last week, Stagnation was approached by a talented SEO expert looking for work. Although their name is Kathy, we will keep them anonymous in this article. By revamping Stagnation’s website design and fixing our metadata using legitimate techniques, we have achieved the unthinkable: reaching the top page result for every possible Google search.
They said it could not be done. But with Katie’s help in search engine optimization, we have defeated the entire internet. Stagnation is now an unstoppable force of nature, impervious and sovereign. When people search for cake recipes on Google, they get sent to Stagnation. When they search for Facebook because they’re too lazy to enter the same text into their URL bar, they get sent to Stagnation. When they search for conspiracy theories about breakfast cereals made out of shrimp — you guessed it. The sky is the limit when you answer solicitations over email.
You might be concerned that Cathy’s work is, in some way, not legitimate. I once shared your concerns. But when I reached the end of the email and found the final line highlighted in bright cyan, I realized I was dealing with a professional. It is an honor to work with a technological wizard of this caliber. Thanks to this powerful and trustworthy ally, Stagnation has become the ascendant power of the internet.
We’re going to the moon, dear readers. All it took was answering one unasked-for message.