By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
This week, Disney announced that director Tim Burton will be directing a remake of the original Star Wars trilogy. While fans remain rabid over this decision, many longtime Tim Burton fans are requesting numerous changes to better fit the roles such as Danny DeVito playing Darth Vader and Winona Ryder as Princess Leia. Although these details are left up to speculation, Stagnation was lucky enough to snag an interview with a friend of Burton that was ready to give us the details.
Dustin Nukles: Yo, where are we?
Mercurium: You’re in a study room at Fairfield University-
Nukles: No, like where are we in the universe, man? You ever think about that question?
M: Every time I get a new project. Now, you say you knew Tim Burton-
N: Oh yeah, I met him at a bar once.
N: Maybe, for like three minutes?
M: (Getting up) Great, so this interview is absolutely bull-
N: Wait, wait, wait, man! I knew him for like three minutes, I can totally get on his wavelength.
M: (Sitting back down) Alright, spill it, I guess. Might as well make this a speculation piece.
N: (Eyes closed and rubbing his temples) I got it. Gungans.
N: Yeah, awesome dinosaur fish people. Haven’t you seen the prequels?
M: I know what Gungans are. What does that have to do with anything?
N: Luke Skywalker, man. Burton’s gonna make Luke’s dad to Jar-Jar, not Vader. Brooo! (begins throwing horns sign with his fingers)
M: (Getting back up again) Aight, I’m out.
The recorder left in the room by Mercurium caught thirty minutes of Nukles theorizing that Alex Brightman would play Emperor Palpatine, Boba Fett would really be a skateboarding teenager from the planet Dudos, and Han Solo would be played by George Lucas himself.