By Pete Peterson
The always reasonable Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida had a fantastic week: everyone found out he can get laid, he loves to travel, and he absolutely killed his Tucker Carlson interview. With his draft stock skyrocketing, people are guessing what he’ll do next. Some speculative options included running for President in 2024, replacing Oprah on Oprah, and even becoming the permanent host of SNL. However, he put an end to all of the guessing when Fairfield University announced the lovable Congressman will be taking over as the Director of Tours for prospective out-of-state students at the Jesuit institution.
Stagnation reached out to Rep. Gaetz to inquire about his newest venture. “You know, with all of the priests here, in a small state with so many close borders, it just felt like the right move to make,” he said. Coming from Florida, the Congressman acknowledged the weather may be difficult to adjust to, but that he would “have plenty of young smiles to keep him warm.”
Known as a close ally to former President Trump, some members of the students’ bodies were concerned he would bring partisan ideology to the University. Rep. Gaetz extinguished those flames, responding by saying “My only goal is to bring those young minds across the boundaries of Fairfield.”
Members of Fairfield University are excited to bring such a well-known figure into the Stag family, almost as excited as Congressman Gaetz himself. “It’s almost like he’s running away from something down there,” joked Fairfield President Barr. The hire may have been a surprise to many, but no one can argue with Rep. Gaetz ability to connect with the younger generations.