By Pete Peterson
Businesses have struggled since the pandemic began last March, and not even churches could escape the crash. Although the Catholics have mostly avoided any new child-fondling instances, the Pope was forced to make business decisions to turn the stock back in the direction of the big man upstairs (and Gamestop). Stagnation talked to Father Papi about the new changes.
“We needed to figure out how to bring in new custome… I mean souls that needed saving” said the priest. “Some of the changes we made included allowing sponsors to advertise on our collars. However, the largest change was that we now serve holy vodka and grape Fanta mixies instead of communion wine.” The alteration to a sacred tradition comes after the Pope made the decision to rebrand Jesus as more of a Scott Disick-type to attract younger patrons.
While this change faced plenty of backlash, Head Priest Father of the Bride clapped back at the haters. “You never met Jesus, so you don’t even know him” he said. “Jesus was chilling with 12 dudes all the time, you’re telling me he wasn’t boozing with the boys?” An interesting point indeed. The success of these changes have yet to be validated, but this Stagnation reporter can confirm that mass is a lot more fun.