CIA Helps University Officials Take People Off-Campus For Summer Closing

By Marvin Irwin

It’s that time of the year again. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the allergy sufferers are sneezing. You know what that means. The University wants you to get the hell out of your room, like yesterday. 

Fairfield has begun its semesterly barrage of emails. Each one begging you to sign up for a move-out time, as long as that time is during your last final exam. 

University officials have found that some people do not move out as they turn in their final exam. Seeking to crackdown on this unacceptable behavior, the university has teamed up with the CIA to learn more about how to monitor and abduct an individual.

The CIA’s expertise is sure to speed up the move-out process in the coming weeks. Especially considering that if your finals are over you are no longer considered a student, you’re an enemy combatant. This really gives the CIA and campus officials options when it comes to getting people out. 

So be sure to get out of your room as soon as possible, or you can expect to cross “getting stunned with a flashbang” off of your bucket list. There is also added risk considering there have already been mix-ups with students unexpectedly studying abroad in Guantanamo Bay. 

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