By Pete Peterson
If only Elon Musk was the President of COSO. Over the weekend, as millions mourned yet another Tom Brady Super Bowl win, COSO was doing what it does best: be terrible with money. The Federal Reserve of Fairfield University Clubs placed a hefty bet on the Super Bowl, wagering the budgets of every single club. However, they did not place all $52 on the game itself. Instead, the organization bet that Michael Jordan would be in an Amazon commercial after receiving an insider tip.
According to a source, COSO placed the bet because they overheard some freshman in the Levee say it was “an absolute lock.” At face value, the gamble makes sense. Amazon and Michael Jordan both had huge 2020s: Amazon continued its takeover of the entire universe and Michael Jordan said he was not a gambling addict in his docuseries. One thing COSO forgot about was that Jeff Bezos will only allow one person to be the bald head of Amazon.
Reports have also surfaced that COSO was aware that the commercial would be a sexualized one; however, the Jordan Belfort offspring did not consider that Michael Jordan’s dad bod might be difficult to make sexy. Now, any sensible person making an educated guess would have gone with the guy who made a super villain as likeable as the hero in a Marvel movie would be the star, but COSO did not make that guess.
In order to raise back the clubs’ budgets and in turn earn (back?) the trust of the clubs, they have decided to take money from their own pockets and invest. COSO has not announced where the money is going, but there are rumors that they heard Gamestop is “going to the moon.”
Stagnation 