Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses

By Pete Peterson

There are some moments in life that are on your mind from the earliest you can remember.  They’re like stepping stones to adulthood, all creating the path towards freedom.  These moments bring joy, pride, and a newfound sense of confidence to all who experience them.  They are the most pivotal moments of any young life: getting a driver’s license, turning 21 years old, and aggressively asking a first year, “Who do you know here?” at a townhouse party.  Billions of people have had their lives ruined by the China Virus, but maybe none more than the townhouse residents of Fairfield University.  

“It’s just like really hard right now, and no one really gets it.”  Those words ring true across the townhouses of Fairfield University, known for housing some of the most notorious juniors on campus.  Since returning to campus in September, juniors have been left feeling unfulfilled and empty.  Not much has changed for them: they walk back and forth from classes, go to the gym, and break into their basement to smoke a bong.  However, they are missing that vital piece of living at the townhouses. 

“Who do you know here?”  A question that might as well be painted on the doors of every townhouse.  Every junior loves unleashing their age superiority on the new adults, scaring them with the fear that stems from nothing other than juniors being born two years earlier.   The Fairfield University Townhouses are best known for hosting parties on the weekend, which are often the only parties underclassmen have a chance of getting into.  Getting into a townhouse can be the highlight of the weekend for a naive first year, but seeing a naive first year in a townhouse can also be the highlight of the weekend for a seasoned junior.  

Junior finance major Greg Kennedy has been having trouble adjusting to missing an essential moment of his life.  “I’m not gonna lie to you man, this is kind of depressing.  I practiced how to kick out freshmen literally all summer, and now I don’t even have the chance.”  Fairfield University has banned students from other residential areas to go to the townhouses, completely eradicating all hopes of berating a student for simply being younger.  

Other students are worried about their future in life.  “So do we, like, do we like get to graduate from junior year if we don’t yell at a freshman?” pondered that girl who drives a white Mercedes everywhere except to class.

The increasing levels of depression across the houses filled with Natural Light cans and “Full Send” tapestries have caused students to compromise with the enemy.  A deal is in the works between juniors and first years to provide a Power Trip relief package.  The proposed deal states that one first year will be sent to every townhouse every week on either Friday or Saturday night so the juniors can expel them from their homes.  In return, the first year will be allowed to attend two parties a month, either at the beach or the townhouses depending on when COVID-19 ends.  It looks like there are enough votes from both parties to push the package through to the Dean, but there is no certainty that she will sign it.

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