By Rosemary Harper
Turkeys are a common sight around the Fairfield U campus. They are fearless and they don’t give a shit. You have probably wondered where this brazen nature of theirs comes from, as we at Stagnation have asked time and time again. Well folks, strap in and hold on to your hats because we’ve got it. It’s the beards, it’s all in the beards.
After extensive research by Stagnation’s official research department — a.k.a. Google — we have determined that turkeys have beards just below their necks. At first glance, these beards don’t appear to look special or actually do anything, which is correct. They are simply tufts of fluff — but it’s not about what they do, its about how they do.
A report written by researchers at Airfield University (formerly Fairfield University, until we decided to rank higher alphabetically) has determined that turkeys with a beard feel like a “bad ass bitch with nothing to lose,” while turkeys without beards feel sad and dejected due to their “lack of swag.” A diagram extracted from the report has been provided to demonstrate the difference between a “boss turkey” (top) and a “dejected turkey” (bottom).
Don’t fear the turkey. Fear the beard.