By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
Fairfield University Media Center – DPS officers garbed in masks and hazmat suits rushed to the scene at the former Dolan School of Business. There, two students had passed out on the side lawn while another was found near a back exit knocked out near the stairwell. Investigating the students on the outside, Officer Rex Plex discovered an outdated camera in one student’s hands.
“Honestly, I’m surprised any kids use these,” Plex said, “I’m 43 and all, but I didn’t expect these kids to be all boomer and crap.”
The students, identified as Chris Matts ‘23, Evan Odds ‘22, and Marge LeBarge ‘22, had apparently staged an escape attempt from their quarantine. At 10:30, they rushed to the back exit when Odds tripped and landed unconscious on the stairwell. Matts and LeBarge ran out before they succumbed to the effects of fatigue induced by COVID.
“It’s honestly pretty stupid if you ask me,” said Steven Evens ‘24, “‘Could have just stayed in quarantine, but sure, risk my college experience for some content or whatever.”
Odds is in recovery at the moment, while LeBarge and Matts are facing suspension.
“At least we made some killer content,” Matts commented, unaware that the camera cap was still on.
Stagnation 