By Marvin Irwin
This is what we in the biz call a good news bad news situation.
Good news, the university has acquired COVID-19 vaccines for all students.
Bad news, the university was responsible for handling the vaccines.
This past weekend, Fairfield University successfully acquired a shipment of Russia’s Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccines. University officials, never ones to miss a good PR opportunity, decided to go big with how they announced the arrival of the vaccine vials.
For reasons seemingly unknown to anyone, it was determined that Lucas the Stag would do an Evel Knievel-esque stunt to commemorate this massive milestone for the campus community. The plan was that Lucas would ride a motorcycle off a jump, soaring over prop crates of vaccines and through a flaming hoop. The arrival of a vaccine that would return our lives to normal apparently wasn’t exciting enough as it is.
Due to budget cuts, Lucas was not riding a motorcycle and was instead attempting the jump on a Razor scooter obtained from a yard sale on Barlow Road. And instead of jumping over prop crates of vaccine vials, Lucas was jumping over the actual crates of vaccines because the guy put in charge of getting the fake crates was the same guy that is in charge of making sure that none of the campus printers work. 7 students were in attendance for the event, likely because the announcement for the stunt and vaccines was hidden deep in a “Weekender” email that nobody reads.
As the clock struck noon on Sunday, Lucas the Stag began his fateful jump. Despite gaining a surprising amount of speed given the vehicle he was on, Lucas’s stunt was doomed from the start. He took off from the ramp much slower than he should have, and he lost a hold of his scooter. Lucas’ limp body landed with a crunch on top of the first crate of vials, crushing it and sending antibody-giving liquid across the pavement. The errant scooter hit the flaming hoop, sending it toppling onto the second crate of vials, engulfing it in fire.
The crowd of seven students watched in horror as their hopes for a normal campus life literally went up in flames. Lucas laid motionless in a puddle of vaccine liquid. A university official rushed over to him, seemingly to see if he was alright, but was instead checking if any of the vaccine could be salvaged.
“It soaked into his costume! I think we can still get some!” she yelled, lifting up his limp arm and ringing out the sleeve of the stag costume into her mouth.
The students rushed over to Lucas, hoping to get their share of vaccine-flavored synthetic fur. But they were stopped by another university official who told them that they had to pay for their vaccine and that a meal swipe would be accepted as payment.
After having exchanged their lunch for their vaccine, the students began sucking on the stag costume trying to acquire COVID-19 immunity, in a sight that could only be described as “bone-chilling.”
As of right now, it is unclear if the 7 students that were vaccinated will have an impact on the campus’s immunity efforts, but we will keep you updated. For the time being, Fairfield will just have to continue fighting COVID the old-fashioned way, not fighting it.
In unrelated news, auditions are being held for being the new Lucas the Stag! Contact the recreation director for further details. Stunt riding experience is preferred.