By Nathan Schmidt
This week, the heavy snowfall in Fairfield resulted in numerous in-person events moving onto Zoom — including the Fairfield Stags’ basketball practice. Each member of the basketball team was required to spend the entire practice session online with their video and audio turned on, practicing dribbling, passes and free throws inside their own residences on campus.
Head Coach Tanthony Treuvens said, “As soon as the death-plague sent by the wrathful powers of yore finally moves on from our wretched halls … we’re gonna dive back in with a good strong hustle. That’s right, champs. First, you survived. Next, you’ll win. And that means practice at any cost. It’s like they say. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few windows.”
The directive to practice indoors served the dual function of expanding brand awareness of the Fairfield Stags on campus, as students in dorm rooms were unable to avoid the noises of their peers’ basketballs thumping on the floor and walls. Reactions have been overall lukewarm, probably due to Covid-induced apathy towards every other living thing.
Business student Charles Mascarpone ‘23, speaking with Stagnation reporters from a dorm bathroom stall, commented on the situation: “Thank the Lord we don’t also have a bowling team.”
At the current rate, indoor practice will continue until either winter ends or the Stags win a basketball match of some kind. The smart money is on the match being held over Zoom as well.
Stagnation 