By Nathan Schmidt
This week, an anonymous Stagnation reporter uncovered provisions in the new FUSA Constitution to ban what it describes as “un-Stag-like” speech. The constitutional document, which was rewritten this semester and ratified last month, bans any speech, writing or body language on campus that contradicts “Stag spirit, Jesuit values, or good ideas from FUSA.” The new rulings are already in effect, and students and faculty alike are expected to fall under the Constitution’s expanded purview.
“We just really thought no one would read it,” said FUSA Senator and Constitutional Convention Committee chairperson Calliope Cassowary ‘22, who championed the constitutional reforms. Cassowary graciously donated her time to speak with Stagnation reporters over Zoom while having two 12-inch subs for lunch. “We’d just have a new way to stick it to people who don’t support our university 100 percent. Say, you’re with Stagnation, right? Do you think you could tell everyone what a good and fair-minded senator I am? It’s in the rules now.”
The reasoning for the un-Stag-like speech ban, as can be found in the publicly available minutes for FUSA Senate meetings, boils down to two main factors. First, nobody knows what McCarthyism is anymore. Second, there have been far too many insults against what Cassowary called “the general Stagness of the university” lately. Examples include referring to “STAGiving Day” as “STAGrifting Day,” speaking distastefully about the bronze stag statue, and not agreeing to dress up as Lucas the Stag. When pressed further on the exact nature of “Stagness,” Cassowary replied glibly, “If you wanna be a Stag, you gotta wear a lot of Vineyard Vines clothes. Like, a lot. Even your underwear.”
Luckily, the same reporter who found the provisions has confirmed that they, like the rest of the FUSA Constitution, are completely unenforceable. Students on campus are still free to engage in whatever speech, writing or body language they think they can get away with.