By Marvin Irwin
In the midst of the uncertainty that clouds the country today, businesses across America are struggling and universities are not immune. Colleges are struggling to drive up applicants due to the lifestyle that college students must adhere to due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For some inexplicable reason, students and their parents are reluctant to spend tens of thousands of dollars for their children to be confined to a 10 by 15 foot cinder block room and attend class on Zoom where the half the time will be spent resolving technical difficulties.
This is a problem that Fairfield has had to face, and as a result, they are seeking new and unconventional means of generating interest in the school, as well as revenue. Fairfield University has announced that Lucas the Stag now has an OnlyFans account. You might be wondering, Lucas? That stud on campus that always wears the same outfit? The one with those bulging biceps that could hold me all night long? Those dead lifeless eyes that tell me he’d treat me right? That’s right, our beloved antlered mascot will now be available to be seen as nature intended him, buck naked.
But what is OnlyFans? That is a good question, innocent reader. If you already know what OnlyFans is, then you can make an appointment for virtual confession through the Campus Ministry page online. OnlyFans is a subscription-based social media platform where users sell or purchase original content, largely falling in the adult category. But you may be wondering, is there a market for this kind of Lucas the Stag content? I don’t know, does a deer take nudes in the woods?
The hope is that this account will attract students to attend Fairfield University, as well as supplement lost revenue due to COVID-19. Since the launch of Lucas’ account this past weekend, five hundred monthly subscriptions have been purchased. And this is just for the basic subscription that costs $45. Lucas is seeing lots of money generated by additional purchases of more customized content. For example, Lucas’ hoof pics have been very profitable. Additionally, there is the “Make It Rain-Deer” package in which you can send a large amount of cash to Lucas and he will dance as the money rains over him. Lucas also offers a sugar baby service, referred to as “The Sugar Bambi Package,” where you can pay for Lucas to meet you for dinner at a Cheesecake Factory of your choice and you have the option to gift him a Louis Vuitton bag.
Stagnation reporters caught up with Lucas to ask him some questions about his new business venture — helpfully, the stag mascot kept his signature tank top and shorts on for the duration of the interview. Nevertheless, answers were hard to come by, with Lucas responding to each question with just heavy breathing and an enthusiastic high five.
Luckily, Lucas doesn’t act like a deer in the headlights when he’s on OnlyFans. Stagnation put the entirety of its funding for the year towards a subscription, for journalistic purposes, and as a journalist I must say that the content has delivered on all my expectations.
Do you want to get in on this stagnificent service? Then you are in luck, because Lucas is offering a 25% off student discount to all Fairfield students for a subscription to his account. For more updates on questionable fundraising tactics and discussions of whether it’s bestiality if it’s just a costume, stay tuned to Stagnation.
Stagnation 