Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum
BARONE – Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer.
“Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.”
Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third floor exit of the BCC. Johanson only stayed behind to answer questions from this lucky reporter.
JOHANSSON: So are you Entertainment Weekly? Vanity Fair?
MERCURIUM: Stagnation, actually.
MERCURIUM: The guy who can get you in touch with Lucas if you answer some questions.
JOHANSSON: (sighs) Alright, shoot.
MERCURIUM: Why Lucas of all people? Was Uma Thurman not available?
JOHANSSON: First, Thurman couldn’t handle being me. It’s been so pressuring ever since Ghost in The Shell.
MERCURIUM: And second?
JOHANSSON: I saw how excellently Lucas’s form was, his prose, his movement in his performance in Romancing the Stag.
MERCURIUM: What about Stagman?
JOHANSSON: I could never sympathize with the Jogues Jerker. He wasn’t Caucasian enough.
MERCURIUM: Okay, then.
JOHANSSON: Still, only Lucas can play how I really feel about society, birthday parties, and the Three Stooges.
MERCURIUM: The Three Stooges?
JOHANSSON: Yeah. Guys who do this-
Johansson proceeded to poke this reporter’s eyes as she bolted out the room to find Stag. Hopefully, he survives the experience.
I’m Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium, and this really smarts.