Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
REGIS – Fairfield Alumni and parents are outraged at the University following the appearance of the Adults at Alumni Family Weekend. Much to everyone’s horror, the Adults turned out to be minors around the age of 12.
“I like playing my guitar,” said Jimmy Shareden, “My mom bought my guitar. Do you want to see my guitar?”
According to attendees, the Adults were supposedly seen walking around Bellarmine ordering beer and alcoholic beverages. One parent even told Fairfield staff that the children were “taking rapid fire vodka shots.”
“I didn’t say the Adults were drinking vodka,” stated Mrs. Gillian Burner, “I said the adults were drinking vodka. Get that right before someone gets the wrong idea!”
The parents of the band members were appalled by the lack of security for their children as they were hounded off stage by the audience.
“You should all be ashamed of yourselves,” Mother Teresa Kriste snapped at Fairfield officials present, “I bought Jimmy his guitar so he can play for fun. Didn’t you see his guitar? He likes playing his guitar.”
I’m Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium and I’m going to see if I can get me another one of those wine popsicles.
Stagnation 