Class of 2021 Petitioning for Dunkin Gift Cards

By Rosemary Harper A new, highly popular petition has been flying around Fairfield campus. What is this hot new movement, you may ask? It can be summed up in two words: Dunkin Donuts.  Among recent news of graduation plans for the class of 2021, there have been mixed opinions surrounding how the ceremony (or ceremonies … Continue reading Class of 2021 Petitioning for Dunkin Gift Cards

Ford Releases New Bronco, OJ Seeks Royalties For Every White One Sold

By Marvin Irwin If you love off-road capabilities, durability, double homicide, and American engineering, then Ford has just released the perfect car for you.  This past year, Ford announced that it was bringing back its iconic SUV, the Ford Bronco. Bringing back the Bronco makes a lot of sense for Ford.  The Bronco is one … Continue reading Ford Releases New Bronco, OJ Seeks Royalties For Every White One Sold

Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students

By Pete Peterson The always reasonable Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida had a fantastic week: everyone found out he can get laid, he loves to travel, and he absolutely killed his Tucker Carlson interview.  With his draft stock skyrocketing, people are guessing what he’ll do next.  Some speculative options included running for President in 2024, … Continue reading Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students

Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium After much confusion and discord between Philosophy and English faculty, both departments now have a new course that covers common ground: pataphysics. “I have to admit, I was just joking around when I suggested that,” said Professor Lazlo Gorman, a guest professor from Sacred Heart University, “I didn’t think you stag-smartasses … Continue reading Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

By Nathan Schmidt In the era of Covid-19, in-person tours of Fairfield campus are a thing of the past. But student tour ambassador Raymond Shampi ‘21 has found a new and revolutionary way to attract new prospective students online to Fairfield University: advertising the campus’ offerings in Pokémon Go. “There are so many more gyms … Continue reading Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

Fairfield Temporary Ice Rink Rebranded as “State of the Art Ankle Workout”

By Rosemary Harper This semester Fairfield University has generously supplied the student body with a temporary 1 ½ month ice skating rink located on the Campion basketball courts. Because of budget and the time of year, the rink is obviously plastic with a lubricant coating on top. Unfortunately because the “ice” makes it nearly impossible … Continue reading Fairfield Temporary Ice Rink Rebranded as “State of the Art Ankle Workout”

Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium This week, Disney announced that director Tim Burton will be directing a remake of the original Star Wars trilogy. While fans remain rabid over this decision, many longtime Tim Burton fans are requesting numerous changes to better fit the roles such as Danny DeVito playing Darth Vader and Winona Ryder as … Continue reading Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton

SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

By Nathan Schmidt My friends, we have made it. We have struck gold. Last week, Stagnation was approached by a talented SEO expert looking for work. Although their name is Kathy, we will keep them anonymous in this article. By revamping Stagnation’s website design and fixing our metadata using legitimate techniques, we have achieved the … Continue reading SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

By Marvin Irwin To continue to pretend to crack down on COVID-19 guideline violations on campus, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is expanding its ranks. One particular new recruit has captured the imagination of the campus community.  Among the newest additions to the DPS forces is everyone’s favorite redhead from the … Continue reading DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

Stagnation: BeefShake™ Edition

By Pete Peterson After a sweet pump at the gym, do you ever feel like there’s not enough time to get all of the essential nutrients in your system to maximize your gains?  Cooking food takes too long, those fancy protein shakes are too expensive, and you can only eat so many raw eggs before … Continue reading Stagnation: BeefShake™ Edition