New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

By Marvin Irwin

Last week, the university introduced a new method of having students line up to get their weekly COVID-19 tests. The approach is roughly modeled after the TSA Pre-check process at airports, except instead of TSA agents it’s G-Force, and instead of businessmen in Patagonia vests it’s college students in Canada Goose jackets. The change was an attempt to curb the excessively long lines resulting in sizable crowds which would break the university’s own protocol when it comes to gatherings. And now, the reviews are in. 

And they are not good. 

Critics are calling the new line setup “Poorly executed,” “utterly pointless,” and “pretty much the exact same —-ing thing as before.” But how could this be? Where did the new plan go wrong? In order to get answers, we had a Stagnation reporter head down to the Rec Plex to get tested and report back. 

With the new line setup, you show a confirmation of your testing appointment to one of the people waiting outside the RecPlex so they confirm that you are there at the right time. But we found that whoever is checking the proof of your appointment doesn’t really even look at it, and just directs you to the entrance. 

There are supposed to be two lines, one for people who are on time for their appointments and one for people who are not. But oftentimes you are directed to the wrong line, or not told a specific line at all. Then, the two separate lines just converge on each other without any supervision. It would be like putting trash in a trashcan and recyclables in a recycling bin, and then just combining the two and bringing them all to the dump (the jury’s out on whether or not the University does this as well). 

University officials have recognized the faults of the new system, and are already assembling some of the best minds in logistics and planning to figure out a more effective method. Though not officially confirmed, this new crack team of experts is rumored to include business wizkid Billy McFarland, the former chief of Capitol police, and Armie Hammer’s publicist. 

For more news on all things COVID on campus, stay tuned to Stagnation. If you’re sick of all things COVID on campus (same here), also stay tuned to Stagnation. 

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