Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag

By Michael Atkins

This week, a flying barracuda suddenly crashed onto the court of Donnarumma Hall, unable to understand the waterless world we call “land”. As it flew into the trees and and benches, desperately seeking an exit, a stag casually approached the area. Sensing possible hostility, the barracuda went straight for its torso and bit into its flesh. While this should have possibly ended the stag’s life, it instead stumbled backwards before giving a terrifying screech.

It began developing a red hide apart from its chestnut shade before its eyes grew to cartoonish proportions. Its body soon followed as it stood before onlookers as a anthropomorphic stag-human, allowing it to promptly grab a cap off the head of a shocked bystander. It placed the red hat onto its head and looked back at the barracuda, still flying randomly into its surroundings.

“LU…CAS…,” the stag-man mumbled, causing some to faint at the sight of the creature that stood before them.

The barracuda actually stopped mid-air while upside down. Asserting its dominance, it attempted to do an aquatic style of “t-pose”. This did nothing to stop the creature that called itself Lucas. He delivered a blow that sent the barracuda right into a pack of turkeys, who devoured it.

As “Lucas the Stag” stood triumphantly over the barracuda’s remains, he flew off into the sky. Fairfield University takes this time to commemorate the “coming of the stag” by replicating its iconic look as its own mascot.

Who knows where the true Lucas is? Is all we need another radioactive barracuda to see him in his true form?

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