By Nathan Schmidt
Tragedy struck Fairfield University on Friday afternoon when three Campus Tour groups physically ran straight into each other. The accident, which took place on the steps outside the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, began when two groups of prospective students and their parents were entangled in an attempt to leave and enter the building. A third group was then led by their tour guide — who unfortunately was walking backwards, and did not see the impending collision — up the side ramp and straight into the crowd, resulting in a deadly T-bone collision and a resulting crowd crush.
Fairfield University’s walking tours have become a staple of life on campus, but the recent glut of groups scheduled may have made this woeful event an inevitability. Students who witnessed the accident reportedly had very little to say, since they have been suffering under the tours for so long already. Meanwhile, tour participants were confused about whether the lethal collision, which hospitalized eighteen individuals and resulted in three fatalities, was an intended demonstration of campus life.
“I regret everything,” sobbed volunteer student tour ambassador Destin Irwin ‘19, who led the third tour group that collided with the other two. “I regret everything I’ve ever done. I never realized that my path led me over a precipice until it was too late. I bet they’re not even going to let me put this on my résumé anymore. Fuck, am I going to have to pick up an internship?”
It is unlikely that this incident will result in any legal repercussions for the university, because accidents of this nature are covered in the waiver that all tour participants are required to sign before entering. But whatever the case, all Campus Tours will continue as scheduled until further notice.
Stagnation 