Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House

By Nathan Schmidt

Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship.

The cult was discovered accidentally by Keely Melville ‘22 during an otherwise routine trip to class. In an exclusive interview with Stagnation reporters, she stated, “Well, I went up there in the evening for religious studies. And I went super early because I was trying to beat the snow. So I went in and all the lights were off, and I thought, ‘Shit, the power is out.’ But then I heard these voices chanting behind one of the doors, and I thought it was a guided prayer session but then they started talking about Jupiter and Venus, and I was like … ahhh…”

Forensic evidence from the pagan cult’s ritual chamber indicates that regular sessions of worship had already been proceeding for months. When questioned about this strangely long duration, investigators claimed that the cult likely went unnoticed for so long because of its location in such a far corner of campus. Besides hosting the Center for Ignatian Spirituality, Dolan Campus (on which Dolan House is located) is known for a number of other items that students aren’t expected to make use of, such as Study Abroad and the Student Health Center. That a shadowy group of anti-Christian worshipers was able to prosper so long in Dolan House is almost an inevitability of its location.

Campus Ministry’s Rev. Arnold Nelson reacted to the news with sneering disdain, saying, “This is proof of what I’ve been trying to tell everyone all along. The religious services on campus aren’t capable of connecting to the real grassroots spiritual drive of the student body. And if they were, we wouldn’t force these brave worshipers of their own faith into hiding. Who’s the real monster now, huh, Fairfield? Huh?”

While the masked and robed members of the cult were originally taken into custody by campus security, they were later released after asserting that they weren’t really a cult and therefore not in violation of the rules of the student handbook.

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