By Nathan Schmidt
This week, a viral article originally published by the Fairfield Patch has made the rounds in social media, accusing the LiveSafe phone app of mind-controlling its users. The app, used by Fairfield University for self-diagnosis of COVID-19 symptoms, is said to compel users against their will to diagnose themselves as being clean every time.
“George Soros designed this app,” said Lucille Maine, an eyewitness to an alleged event of mind control with her son who studies at Fairfield. “I saw my dear boy Brindel try to use it, and his brain melted before my eyes. Every single symptom was listed as negative when he used the app, when I know he never stops coughing at any hour of the day or night. It’s like Hugo Chavez is controlling us from the grave. I think the app actually gives you Covid.”
Lucille added, “I know Covid isn’t real, but in order to make you think it is, the app also tricks you into thinking that the Satanist pizza delivery guys in the White House are trying to be pro-life.”
The LiveSafe app has been lauded by university experts as a powerful and useful first line of defense against the virus, making sure that students check their phones before coming onto campus. The ‘green check’ of a clean slate of symptoms, now ubiquitously required in shared spaces on campus, is now a symbol of students’ vigilance — but also a target of conspiracy theorists who believe it is a trick of phone-based hypnotism.
“The green of the check is the same green that lizard people have under their human costumes,” said Rango Butterson ‘21, a senior student and ardent follower of Facebook memes about Democrats shoving the naturally flat Earth against their secret moon base to make it become round. “Real phone apps don’t make people turn into drooling symptom-denying slaves of the system. Checkmate, atheists.”
Additionally, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) has argued in Congress that the Jewish space laser responsible for the November 2018 wildfires in California is now being used to control the brains of the LiveSafe app developers. The impact of this argument remains to be seen, but Greene’s supporters argue it may lead to the laser being used to fight against an “intergalactic space wizard alliance.” These mythical wizards, of course, are also alleged to be using LiveSafe to deny their Covid symptoms.
Despite this ongoing controversy, campus officials expect to require students to use LiveSafe for the rest of our entire lives. No doubt, the phone app will join fluoride and Bill Gates on the list of methods to permanently and single-handedly subjugate the American people.