Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

By Nathan Schmidt English professor Tobias Falconet was left in a dizzying existential crisis today after a student in his class began taking notes on a smartphone. Dr. Falconet, whose courses all include a strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of “I-Phones, smart phones, and all similar items” in class, entered into his lecture for … Continue reading Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

By Nathan Schmidt Over the past few weeks, the university’s Writing Center has suffered a major drop in attendance due to an attempt at advertisement gone disastrously awry. Posters have been put up around campus depicting a word search autocomplete, as on a phone, with answers that describe services offered by the Writing Center. While … Continue reading Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms

By Nathan Schmidt This past weekend, attendance of church services at the Egan Chapel on Fairfield campus increased to over ten times its usual number. As with such occasions as Christmas and Easter, numerous lay people who otherwise avoid church are compelled to attend during this span of time. But in this current case, the … Continue reading Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms

B or F? Professor’s Totally Fucked Handwriting Sparks Campus-Wide Debate

By Ellie Conklin FAIRFIELD, CT — It’s been a stressful week for junior Andrew Courtney. After hours of pretending to study, while stopping intermittently to watch the World Series highlights and to take hits out of his Snoopy-shaped bong, he completed his twelve-page midterm exam in his 300-level English class, American Internet Poetry in the … Continue reading B or F? Professor’s Totally Fucked Handwriting Sparks Campus-Wide Debate

Fairfield Needs a Lettuce Club

By Trevor MacDonnell Lettuce?  What is it good for? Absolutely everything.  You can wear it as a hat. You can use it to wipe your ass.  You can use it lure out guinea pigs. You can even, surprise, eat it.  It is my opinion, as this is an opinion piece, that lettuce is worth its … Continue reading Fairfield Needs a Lettuce Club

University’s Construction Company Donates Abstract Outdoor Art from Scrap Metal

By Nathan Schmidt This fall, the many construction projects that have taken place on campus will be complemented by a new generation of art from construction by-products. Gilbane Building Company, which is currently engaged in constructing the new Dolan School of Business nearby the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, has pledged to use its unused metal scrap to … Continue reading University’s Construction Company Donates Abstract Outdoor Art from Scrap Metal

Lucas the Stag Excommunicated

By Nathan Schmidt Tragedy and scandal struck Fairfield University this week when its beloved mascot, Lucas the Stag, was excommunicated by the Vatican. The Jesuit university, which has long-held close ties to the Roman Catholic Church, has held Lucas as a lovable ideal of sportsmanship and loyalty, but an investigation by the Church revealed that … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Excommunicated

Peer-Reviewed Studies Show Putin’s Smirk is Growing Wider Over Time 

By Diogenes Recent scientific studies have demonstrated what seems to be the early development of a startling trend. Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, well-known for demonstrating a smug grin while formulating mischievous plans for global wrongdoing, perhaps has been becoming more devious and sly over time. Deeply concerning empirical studies on the width of … Continue reading Peer-Reviewed Studies Show Putin’s Smirk is Growing Wider Over Time 

Campus Ministry Announces New Service Trip to Hunt and Kill the Antichrist

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Campus Ministry announced the creation of a new international service immersion trip designed to give Fairfield students the opportunity to hunt down and kill the Antichrist. The seven-day program, which will take students through key suspect locations in Rome and the Holy Land, will combine elements from Jesuit service learning, … Continue reading Campus Ministry Announces New Service Trip to Hunt and Kill the Antichrist

Crime Feat: Week of 10/8

Friday, 10/12 7:09 p.m.—A student was denied entry to Red Sea Madness due to being overly excited about the pep rally. 11:07 p.m.—Students walking to the townhouses were crossing the street on McInnes Road when a black SUV turned out of the BCC parking lot. One student screamed 'pay my tuition' and rammed themselves into … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 10/8